Monday, February 23, 2009
Behind the mask ...
as a form of self protection, everyone wears a mask. whether it is conscious or unconscious, we wear mask(s) to protect ourselves, it's a form of self preservation. so then, do we ourselves really know who we ourselves are truly? or is my own identity a mystery even to myself. with a mask that i wear ever so often, i may lose myself in this act, yet with all this acting, the line between the true me and the mask is fading. slowly, the mask and the actual self merge and melt into each other. and 2 become 1, the alter ego, merges with the actual, and something else is formed.
if we wear a mask, then sincerity can be questioned. without ever knowing a person's true intentions and character, can one ever say that one can trust the other? it's too big a risk. however, trust may very well be what is needed to help that person build confidence to be who they really are, rather what others want them to be. are you really who you are? or are you what others want you to be? are you true to yourself? or are you fitting into the clones in society?
life is filled with honesty and deceit. how then do we differentiate? i guess what we can do is to be on guard. it's not easy to differentiate. being cautious would then be a better alternative. but being wary of everyone will cause paranoia. so i guess we have to do things in moderation.
in any case, the above are just my random rantings. need an avenue to release stress. in the meantime, i need more sleep.
love,
cheryn ...
posted at 2/23/2009 09:40:00 pm
Friday, February 13, 2009
Grey Skies ...my current world sees no bright, clear skies ahead. for now, it's grey, not a storm, but not that good either. today's just been horrible. i can't find any other word to describe it, but my current mood is just, bad. i don't feel like doing anything. it's so frustrating and it's crippling me. i feel like i'm gonna explode and it's like all these emotions are gonna burst out of me. just as i started to relaxed from the stress i've accumulated over the week, things just had to happen. it's like i'm not entitled to relax at all. it's the day i've been waiting for all week, really happy in the morning, but just as afternoon came, my happiness vanished. my stress came back, and my load that i've been carrying seem to came back with a vengence of finishing me off.
how unpredictable can things get? just a moment ago, things were fine and suddenly, it's takes a total opposite turn for the worst. it's just beyond horrible and argh! i don't even know how to explain it. feel like screaming yet i have no more energy left for that. expanded all of my energy on the frustration, stress and all these disgusting emotions. life is really bleak for me now. i just wanna run away from reality.
my head hurts, and i'm SIAN in bold. wanna not think about it and move on, but the freaking cost it brings is really bothering me. i've really no time and energy for this kinds of things. can't they understand that. let me off the hook already. life is stressful as it is, i don't need additional stress and frustration from things that shouldn't happen at all. life, is so tough and difficult as it is. i'm so tired i wanna rest, but i can't. all these stress and frustration makes me have slight insomia or sleep problems, like waking up every one hour. then i pass the whole day drained and weak.
don't wanna talk anymore. shall try to sleep. life is ____________.
i need to get a job and a grip of myself. i could be in a worse things.
ryn ...
posted at 2/13/2009 09:02:00 pm
Friday, January 09, 2009
Embracing the unforeseen ...so what's the common things that everyone has in life? to list a few:
1) we all age
2) time is something none of us can control
3) we are all limited to circumstances
4) change is the only constant factor in any one person on this earth.
change. even in one second, or a fraction of a second, we are changing. the strands on our hair are growing although we can't see it. the same goes for our maturity, though in some it takes longer. every moment that we're living, we are constantly changing. it never stops, it never ends. that's how life is, how it's meant to be. thus, what is this adaptability to changes that people all talk about? i guess it's all in the mind. we are adapting to changes every minute, every second. it's just the extent of the changes to the naked eyes that makes all the difference in our minds, how we perceive things and adapt to it, how we prepare or tell ourselves that the change is not within our control, so on and so forth.
i don't know what 2009 holds for me, neither do i have the slightest clues what kind of drastic changes ( if there should even be any this year ) in my life. this future that all of us have, we can't see it, but that doesn't mean we should shy away or even run away from it. we should embrace what we can't see clearly. like how we can embrace God, and all the other things we can't see, the future is something we need not be afraid of. cos all our future leads to the same ending, it's just the matter of time. but this is not something to be pessimistic about. not something to be afraid or be gloomy about. it's just a cycle of how life is.
people live and people die. what matters is what we do with the time God has given to us on this mortal earth where things appear and disappear. where things are imperfect yet perfect, depending on the person and the situation, and the mood perhaps. where promises are made and yet are made to be broken. where hearts break and hearts heal. it's just life. whether we live a fulfilling life or an empty life. whether we live our lives with dreams, hopes and love; or we live letting our environment manipulate us.
one thing in for sure, dreams are precious in life. every moment in my life, i think about my dreams, walk to my dreams, and try to find ways to reach my dreams. even if my dreams get blurry at times, at least i'll do my best not to give up. as long as i keep moving, i'm sure to see my dream ever so clearly. with my sight so clear it provides perfect clarity even. but at times, there must be rest. if not i'll be worn and tired, weary and may need help to continue on my journey. life is made of dreams, love and passion. never give up on them even if it's difficult in reality, so that at least, you'll have no regrets. happiness will be much more easily felt.
well, school's starting this monday. the new year holds many things i cannot see or grasp. but i'll just continue to walk forward with faith in God and strength to climb every mountain that comes my way.
love,
cheryn =)
posted at 1/09/2009 06:26:00 pm
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Christmas ...it's here, the season every year, to celebrate to birth of Jesus. well, it's a quiet event this year, at least for me. life is the same, just that for today, people celebrate, and for me, in my heart, i'm grateful to God for christmas. cos without chrsitmas, there'd be no good friday and the human race would be condemned, with no chance of eternity with God. so christmas, for that very fact, is special, is something worth to celebrate and be joyful about, it's the season of God's love for us.
well, another is almost coming to an end. though things this year were so different from years before, i find an uncanny resemblance in my thinking that still remained the same as previous years. in my little mind, there's still this little corner of solitude, my hiding place, my dreaming place. there, my thoughts run freely, not amoke, but free, just like how a fantasy would be, happy and, IMPOSSIBLE. but that's the comfort i find in it, the unrealistic side that draws me in. it's not that i like to run away from reality, but it's where i am at ease, not afraid, and most importantly, calm. someone at work was trying to figure me out, in my usual self, i just cheerfully told him that he wouldn't be able to figure me out. i'm usually cheerful most of the time. i'd rather be cheerful than be unhappy, at least even if i'm not really happy inside, after the prolonged smiles i'd put on my face, i'd really feel happy from the bottom of my heart, it's just something i figured out as i was growing up. in any case, i don't really think anyone would really figure me out, at least everything out, cos in all honesty, i'm still not sure. i know who i am, what my rough plan of my future is, what i'd love and like to do in the future, but all this thing about the future is so tentative. everything is and can be subjected to changes based on the turn of events that follow with each decision i'd make.
so i may seem to be naive, ignorant of the dangers of the world, appearing to live in an uotpic world of my own, cut off from everyone else. but i guess, you cannot look at things just superficially, if not you'd be greatly mistaken. i'm not as naive as people think i am, it's just my opinion. i may laugh and giggle at most things, but i do know of threats and dangers that exist in this world. which brings me to another point, maybe that's why, there still exist a kind of invisible cage that blocks me off from getting to close to people, that makes me look at the relationship between couples as something that will occur somewhere in time when God feels i'm ready. it's true, you can't really fault this thinking. the only thing that comes with this thinking is the aloofness that i'd formed towards such relationships and bonds. people make the assumption that i have a partner, but the reality is i don't, don't take everything at face value, look deeper. this partner thing is like, to me, a miracle and destiny. and also, something very far away. i can't picture myself with someone now. i'm just not interested in this kind of relationship yet, and i just wanna ensure a stable life first and a good education without having to consider someone else's needs and feelings. i'm sorry for this selfishness. in any case, i'm still young.
so this is year 2008 for me, no change in my life, my perception and thoughts. i'm still me, same as before, just maybe more withdrawn. so that's it, year 2008. at least i can say this year was differently and eventful. i grew up more in my thinking. more exposed to the world and it's potentials. there's just this thought lingering in my head though, i, for now, am playing with the thought of going to U.S.A to study, maybe at the last year of my degree, or maybe to get my masters there. whatever it is, i'll know when the time comes, now, not only does finance restrain me, but the thought of leaving my family is also another factor. we'll just have to see how things go from here.
on a lighter note, i recently started reading twilight, and i must say that it's really good. i'm not looking for someone like edward, just similar would be enough for me. haha. but the movie casting was really awesome. the cast really fits the description of the characters in the book. kritsten fits bella and so does robert fits edward. well, that's all for now.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!love,
cheryn =)
posted at 12/25/2008 08:27:00 pm
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Sunshine rain ...well, the weather has been weird lately. it's supposed to be the monsoon season when it rains nonstop, but it isn't raining nonstop. moreover, there are days of ultra burning hot weather where one could literally melt in the heat and vapourise into thin air. however, when it rains, it seems as if the whole oceanis emptied and puring down on us, like a typhoon, the wind is blowing so strongly, and even with an umbrella, you'll still get soaked. in anycase, in such eratic weather behavior, it's best to be indoors, where abnomalities of the ever changing weather will not affect you and you're safe from both the scorching sun and thundering rain.
exams have ended and work has started. so far, the 1st week of work has been rather interesting. and with the approaching christmas period, the weekends are crazy, the crowd is virtually non stop that it's terrifying. but it's also a good time to learn and grow, cos certain things such as coping with work stress and dealing with customers cannot be learnt from the textbooks but only though practical situations. these terrifying experiences not only teaches me how to cope with such situations, it makes me stronger as a person too! so yeah, it's a good time to expand my limitations. but on the hindsight, while most people i know are enjoying their holidays, i'm working. lol. and i can't really go out and hang out with my friends!!! i wanna go shopping too. but next sem's textbooks are just too expensive. need to save up.
well, driving lessons are gonna start soon. gotta go get my pdl done. next sem will be highly interesting. 5 modules and jap classes and driving lessons, let's hope i'll be able to conquer this mountain that i've set up for myself. lol. if i can overcome it, i'll be a stronger person! haha. i guess i feel that life is a bit mundane, thus the need to make it bustling with activities. anyways, next sem's gonna end at the end of april, so it won't be too long.
alrights, that's all for now.
love,
cheryn =)
posted at 12/11/2008 02:45:00 pm
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Cold Fever ...life has been progressing with time. 1st sem is about to come to an end. how time flies. well, things have been great, at least from what i feel/ think. haha. but at least things aren't bad, so i should not have any qualms with regards to my life. however, this week was not that good. i lost my EZ link card which had slightly over $20 in it, i failed my ftt (lol), and i fell sick =.= . somehow, this week is not good, but at least things aren't that bad.
well, next sems classes are confirmed. i'll be taking:
1) ECO 181
2) ESL 408
3) MGA 201
4) MGM 301 and
5) MGQ 201
lol. 5 modules. i'll survive! at least i still get to keep my 4 days school week. but on the hind side, i'll have 9 am classes for all 4 days of sch! not forgetting that i'm still have jap classes, and driving! well, to me, now's the time to try everything and anything. haha. the only thing is not to die in the process of trying, then i think i'll be alright. i'll have to leave house extra early every morning next sem cos of lornie road and PIE jams in the morning. but well, one sem flies. so it'll be alright.
need to work this coming hols. next sem's textbooks will cost approximately $300. and i'll have driving and jap lessons to take care of too. looks like this year i'll be singapore bound. no overseas trip this hols. plus the fact that the world is in much unrest now. it's not that safe anymore. and the economy is gonna be worse next year. there's no way to salvage the situation, but only to let nature run its course and fix it after it all happens. we can't escape from this economic impending doom.
other than that, i'm still me. nothing's changed. maybe the only thing is i'm more "weathered". haha. that is to say, i've seen and been exposed slightly more to the world. there's the growing "snowmountain" next to me. each time my nose fills up it grows bigger! haha. yeah. i'm sick. the flu bug caught me. not i caught the flu bug k? cos why would i go catching this kind of unhealthy things? it's nonsensical. i wonder how things will go. right now, life is full of possibilities, but whatever happens, i just wanna live happily =)
i guess i'll end of here.
today is jelly woo's birthday and my cousin's too.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
love,
cheryn =)
even if it's darkness all around me, the light of God will never leave me. do you have that light?posted at 11/27/2008 04:18:00 pm
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
On my mind ...well, i guess to remain happy is what everyone wants. but circumstances doesn't allow us and we fall and we pick ourselves up. it's an endless cycle. i've been reading this particular manga lately. it's SKIP BEAT! personally, i feel that it has one of the most interesting story line other than VAMPIRE KNIGHT, SPECIAL A and KOUKOU DEBUT. i've read many others before, but these few are those that keep me intrigue at what's gonna happen next. but most importantly, i marvel at how the mangakas can be so creative as to come up with such a great plot on top of the already marvelous drawing talent that they already possess.
besides reading these mangas, those that already have an anime created from it, also have great songs featured in it. it's a wonder how talented these people can be, but their talents are not really recognised at the same level as actors who show their faces. these people who work behind the scenes are no less talented than those on screen, but somehow, the attention they get and the appreciation they receive are just a small fraction of what actors get.
anyhow, upcoming things in my life are:
1) finals on 1st week of dec
2) FTT on nov 21
and many other tentative stuffs. we'll see how things go before i'll make it happen. in any case, i'm glad that life is ok. things aren't that bad. but i guess i'm lacking sleep lately. i'm looking more like a panda as each day passes. nevermind the eyebags. but the dark rings are getting darker and darker. i want to sleep!!! and i want to sleep well at that!!! not really sure what's causing me to have this stress what makes me unable to sleep well, but anyway, i think i just need to relax and not be so anxious. i'm feel like i'm constantly thinking of worrying about something, which is not good at all. i wanna go on a holiday!!! i want my holidays!!! bleagh. it's coming soon. just hang in there i guess.
in any case, take care everyone. may life be happy for you.
love.
cheryn =)
posted at 10/21/2008 09:25:00 pm
